Tips on how to be annoying

I thought about posting tips on creative things to do with your child, or useful techniques for cooking, or a ‘must have’ checklist to be productive….but it just wasn’t happening for me.

So, instead – I give you these tips. Let me know how they worked for you.

Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Name your dog “Dog.”

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”

Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot.”

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, its gone now.”

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.

Ask people what gender they are.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.